June is almost over and the last few weeks have been even more pathetically boring than when I’m usually at home. With virtually no friends, no car,no mom at home, and no money….life here is real sad. Just plain pathetic. Of course, this has always sort of been my life at home, however it’s even worse now.
The two lone friends I previously hung out with from high school don’t talk to me anymore. I guess you could say we had a falling out throughout the course of freshman year in college. I was just doing my own thing and embracing my life on campus, while they were doing their own thing… I don’t really know… I always figured them to not be the best people to be around, anyway; when I would hang out with them I felt uncomfortable because I didn’t connect with them, plus they’re rude and judgmental. I guess I just brushed that aside before because they were all I had. However, I met great friends in college and I just didn’t really keep in touch with them. No communication=fall out. So, I don’t speak to them anymore. That’s alright, I’m glad they’re doing their own thing. I’d rather be lonely than fake my way to hang out with them. This just makes me miss my friends from college :,(
No license. no car. no life. Yup, that’s basically it. Why don’t i have my license? Well, my parents didn’t think I needed it in high school so I didn’t get it. And now, we’re too poor to pay for insurance…and a car. The whole not being able to drive thing mystifies me. Erin drove when she was 16, Steven got a car and drove his senior year of high school, Melany drove freshman year of college. And now, me…nothing. I’m the latest to jump on that sweet piece of independence. I’ve dealt with this painful inconvenience and embarrassing ordeal since sophomore year when all the cool rich kids were getting their licences and getting nice cars, all the way to now when I embarrassingly tell friends in college that I don’t have my license. It’s so annoying, especially because when I try to bring it up my parents don’t really talk about it with me so I’m left in this pit of mystery and crushed hopes. It may sound so silly, but getting your license and a car is just………….so freeing. Especially for me. Especially. I HATE, HATE being so dependent on someone to drive me somewhere, like work or whatever. Not only do I have to wait for them to get ready and leave (+ my 3 little monster sisters), but I have to show up everywhere where everyone can see, as I walk out of our raper-white-van (big fam=ugly ass van that people refer to as a “raper” van), that I don’t drive. It’s just extremely annoying and frustrating. Ugh, I could go on forever….
no mom. :( When mom was here at least I could go out with her to the grocery store, or target, or go to lunch, or the movies….but she’s not here so that never happens. We go nowhere. Dad and I can’t go anywhere, because the girls can’t stay home alone. Also, it’s far too inconvenient for everyone to go out to run errands together. So basically, all I do is stay at home…and leave when I go to work. That’s about it. :(
no money. NO FUCKING MONEY. well, not like I can do anything with it anyway, yet the comfort of knowing that my bank account isn’t complete dust and cobwebs would be nice….
the combination of all this is a great recipe for one pathetic, lonely, sad, depressing, sucky, and self pitying summer….
IT GETS WORSE…in a week, dad and the girls are leaving to go to Arizona to see mom for possibly 2-3 weeks. 2-3 FUCKING WEEKS. that means 2-3 week I will be at home, by myself with no car, no friends, no money, no way to go anywhere…..I may lose my mind….
maybe ill venture on the public transportation…but i really have to be motivated. it’s a possibility. hmmm
yet still, holy shit. Plus my birthday is in that time…Im going to be all alone… :(
alright this whole post makes me want to cry.
however, some light in this pathetic-ness: I may go to arizona later this summer for a little bit. Crossing my fingers. I just need to get out of this town…SO BAD.
I feel so stupid for ranting like this, but I need to get it out somehow…