This is me.

One more. Same place, but here Iam in the company of an adorable...

my-visual-enticement — Sun, 26 Aug 2012 01:10:22 -0400

One more. Same place, but here Iam in the company of an adorable bunny named Frankie. I want him ;)

haven’t posted a photo in ages. Well, got this beautiful...

my-visual-enticement — Sun, 26 Aug 2012 01:09:15 -0400

haven’t posted a photo in ages. Well, got this beautiful painting of a humming bird on my arm today at the eugene celebration. Pretty aint it?

My heart and my mind are too damaged. Truth. They just are…and from that, everything...

my-visual-enticement — Sat, 25 Aug 2012 04:53:41 -0400

My heart and my mind are too damaged. Truth. They just are…and from that, everything suffers….in a grievous domino effect of a lifestyle full of anxiety and anguish. Nothing is ever ideal because of every damaged part of me…. Do the duration of life events ever proceed normally and fully? No, I suppose not, yet wouldn’t it be nice to have some sort of security in yourself to come close to that ideal perfection?

hmmm.

Currently enduring my 2am pondering thoughts.

<3 Taylor

avril lavigne engaged to chad kroeger??

my-visual-enticement — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 16:04:00 -0400

What the serious fuck!??! Okay, Im not one to express my opinions on meaningless celebrity gossip crap very often, but holy shit balls, what the fuck??!! Alright, truth: so I follow celebrity gossip, yes, I do. It’s like a guilty pleasure; I pathetically enjoy browsing celebrity gossip sites or magazines. I have for years. Judge me, go ahead. Anyway I’ve always sort of liked Avril Lavigne; for her music, her individuality, for whatever the hell she is. haha And Brody Jenner, hello, what’s not to like? Although many people didn’t like the two together, I found it kind of cute that they were a couple. Yes they came from two different lifestyles and no one saw the two ever coming together, but maybe that’s why it’s so cute. The whole opposites attract idea. I thought it was cute to see Brody fall for someone other than a typical bimbo. He just sort of fit with Avril in a lot of ways. Seeing pictures of them together just seemed right; like they genuinely liked the same sort of things and most of all each other. Oh and the whole tattoos of each other’s names? I actually thought it was pretty cute too; It really showed how much in love with each other they were. Ugh, I don’t know, personally I was just a major avril/brody supporter. They were together for almost 2 years and I really got my hopes up that they would stay together…but no, they split up earlier this year. I’m still mystified as to why, but it was super disappointing.

Now, 6 months later she’s fucking ENGAGED?? To fucking Nickelback frontman CHAD KROEGER???!! First of all, if she was to be fucking engaged after her divorce in ‘09, it should have been with Brody whom she was with for so long, not Chad who she’s been working with for 6 fucking months….! -_- Second of all, no one could give a flying fuck about Chad Kroeger! I mean, Nickelback is target to a lot of criticism and jokes, right? At least people would be genuinely happy for Avril and Brody being engaged; I hardly think anyone cares because no one cares about Chad Kroeger. It’s the truth. I’ve already seen tumblr posts about it basically with the same WTF attitude that I have.

Oh, to top it all off!!! They announced the engagement on Brody’s birthday yesterday!!! WHY AVRIL? :( Im losing SO much respect for you woman. haha

I don’t know what the hell is going through Avril’s head but seriously, she could do a lot fucking better. She had better….

Just no no no no no and no. NO. This is so rediculous.

You know what I want to know, I really want to know what Brody thinks. I want to know how he feels about this and about Avril in general. I honestly think he had a serious thing for her, maybe still does. maybe.

Okay, im done ranting about this meaningless celebrity gossip crap. I just had to get it out is all.

EDIT: I realize (after reading this) that I sound like an ignorant bitch in this post. I apologize I’m really not, i swear. I mean, who am i to judge or criticize someones happiness, right? My main concern in writing this was to express that I, personally, was really disappointed after hearing about Avril’s engagement to Chad Kroeger because I was a huge fan of Avril and Brody. That is all.

Im just done done done

my-visual-enticement — Fri, 20 Jul 2012 02:45:00 -0400

It’s been rough…The first week and a half alone was fine because I had dependable transportation to and from work and everything was chill. Now things are just making me crazy. My ride, aka my brother, got another job and can’t take me to work anymore…which is cool, I can deal with taking the bus to work, however I can’t get home on the bus….ahhhh! Also, I haven’t been able to contact him…(he doesn’t have a phone which is frustrating) but he’s also never on skype. I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s freaking me out, I just need the comfort of knowing what’s up. Plus, bills are coming at me and I don’t know what to do about em…got a note today saying EWEB was gonna shut off our services if not paid by tomorrow! :( There’s nothing to eat here, and I can’t just jump in my car and go to the store. -_-

I just need my family home. I WANT my family home. Everyone. Dad, mom, girls. :( Especially mom. I just got off the phone with her for like 20-25 minutes. I was telling her about this all and the fact that it’s stressing me out a bit, and if i drove none of it would be a problem. I think she could tell where I was coming from and was sympathetic. I even told her I missed her. :( I really do. I almost cried after I got off the phone. So emotional. I need my mom. It’s been 6 months too long! </3

So yeah, it’s been a rough day and I’m trying to take every matter one at a time. It’s just a lot to handle and to be worried about.

Beyond the stresses of the day, there have been some good moments. I had my 5 hour orientation today at Old Navy! Crazy thing, but the new girl being trained with me is named Taylor too, plus she knows people who went to high school with me, and she’s really close to my age. It was all just really crazy! Small world. The orientation was long, and I feel excited yet nervous as well. There’s a lot of information to process and it’s a little daunting to think of when you’re actually out there on the floor, but I think I’ll be okay though, I hope so!!!

Around 5, when I got out of old navy, I went to Starbucks and got a frappuccino :D yum. Then I walked to pk park which made me hot and sweaty -_- but i changed. I worked late, again. It freaking thunder/lightning/rained for a bit too. good freaking times. haha One boy, he was probably 10-13, came up to me at the gate and said “I Just want to let you know you are absolutely beautiful.” It was the sweetest thing!! <3 It made my night :) Also, there’s this really cute worker there (though I don’t know his name) who I see pretty often. He’s almost as cute as Tyler, but no one can touch Tyler’s level of gorgeousness haha. Anyway, every time I see this guy, he always smiles and tries to make conversation with me :D He’s just so precious :D He has beautiful blue eyes, and adorable big ears. He’s just super cute. :)

Alright I’ve been up since 8am and it’s now 11:45. I’m officially pooped. Im so ready to go to bed.

zzzzz

~Taylor <3

Got the job at Old Navy! So happy and proud of myself! I have orientation thursday from 1-5;...

my-visual-enticement — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 17:42:00 -0400

Got the job at Old Navy! So happy and proud of myself! I have orientation thursday from 1-5; I’m kinda nervous to start, but I know I can do this.

So happy!

~Taylor <3

19 today. ~Taylor <3

my-visual-enticement — Wed, 11 Jul 2012 14:50:09 -0400

19 today.

~Taylor <3

(pictures: work outfit, me, old navy interview...

my-visual-enticement — Tue, 10 Jul 2012 15:47:00 -0400

(pictures: work outfit, me, old navy interview outfit)

Feeling….Happy :D

I’ve been alone now for 5 days. It’s a bit lonely but really not that bad. I call the folks pretty much everyday, and I see Steven a lot because he’s basically my chauffeur. :P I’ve been working at the stadium, doing my own thing, enjoying the sun.

Today I had my interview at Old Navy and I think it went well :D They’ll call me either tomorrow or the next day. Fingers crossed. I can really see myself working there, I know I can do it.

Really hoping I get this job! Also, missing my friends dearly!

~Taylor <3

I’m wondering if I’ll ever in the near, near future find somebody who wants to be with...

my-visual-enticement — Mon, 09 Jul 2012 15:41:51 -0400

I’m wondering if I’ll ever in the near, near future find somebody who wants to be with me; who likes to hang out with me and truly likes who I’ am….I’m also wondering if I’ll be able to keep them around.

Oh, how much I want this.

~Taylor <3

damn the accuracy in this shit as of recent. Yesterday was a...

my-visual-enticement — Fri, 29 Jun 2012 23:20:00 -0400

damn the accuracy in this shit as of recent.

Yesterday was a strange day. I was up until 5am the previous night so I was dead tired throughout the day. I was irritable, lazy, annoyed and frustrated. I didn’t want to do anything and everyone pissed me off. It was a buildup of frustration that added to all my other emotions. Around 5pm I went back into my bed and tried to sleep on and off. I remember dreaming…a strange dream. A dream with my family in it. We were at home, but I felt sad, distant, un-connected, and left out among my family (for many reasons in the dream). I remember going into the bathroom in my dream and crying. Balling. The second I woke up, I lifted my head and my eyes filled with tears and I straight out cried. Real crying…streams of tears, pressure in my head, gulps of breath, and moans of sadness…real fucking crying. I hadn’t cried like that in….a long time. It was so real…the dreams made my emotions come to the surface so much…it was so real and I felt it as I woke up. It was so strange….

I think a lot of the emotions had to do with how bad I felt for being so horrible all day: being mean to my sisters, snapping back at my dad, feeling guilty for laying in bed (not helping around the house or just not getting up at all), and all the other shit that’s been on my mind. Also, a major part of the emotions in my dream had to do with my mom. Even though we haven’t had the best relationship and we are far from having a “close” relationship, I miss her so much and all I ever want is to make her proud and for her to love me…..When i woke up crying I though a lot about my mom and how much I miss her and just want the best for her.

Also, someone on facebook posted a status about their dad passing away in their sleep the night before. It got me thinking how you never know when someones gonna leave you….my parents aren’t young; they’re, like, in their mid to late sixties and I thought about this while crying too…it freaks me out that they’re getting older and something could go wrong anytime….and how much I don’t realize this enough to make me appreciate them being around now more than I am….. :(

Boy oh boy, it was a horrible dream and the strangest thing….but it really got me thinking….

~Taylor <3

Reading back on previous posts, I must apologize for all the self-pitying crap that I seem to post...

my-visual-enticement — Wed, 27 Jun 2012 04:27:00 -0400

Reading back on previous posts, I must apologize for all the self-pitying crap that I seem to post so much. It feels like that’s all I do on here… But hey, that’s what it’s for; to release what I feel, and I guess I feel pretty low and want to rant about my problems….

how pathetic.

~Taylor <3

A recipe for one pathetic, lonely summer

my-visual-enticement — Tue, 26 Jun 2012 22:55:34 -0400

June is almost over and the last few weeks have been even more pathetically boring than when I’m usually at home. With virtually no friends, no car,no mom at home, and no money….life here is real sad. Just plain pathetic. Of course, this has always sort of been my life at home, however it’s even worse now.

The two lone friends I previously hung out with from high school don’t talk to me anymore. I guess you could say we had a falling out throughout the course of freshman year in college. I was just doing my own thing and embracing my life on campus, while they were doing their own thing… I don’t really know… I always figured them to not be the best people to be around, anyway; when I would hang out with them I felt uncomfortable because I didn’t connect with them, plus they’re rude and judgmental. I guess I just brushed that aside before because they were all I had. However, I met great friends in college and I just didn’t really keep in touch with them. No communication=fall out. So, I don’t speak to them anymore. That’s alright, I’m glad they’re doing their own thing. I’d rather be lonely than fake my way to hang out with them. This just makes me miss my friends from college :,(

No license. no car. no life. Yup, that’s basically it. Why don’t i have my license? Well, my parents didn’t think I needed it in high school so I didn’t get it. And now, we’re too poor to pay for insurance…and a car. The whole not being able to drive thing mystifies me. Erin drove when she was 16, Steven got a car and drove his senior year of high school, Melany drove freshman year of college. And now, me…nothing. I’m the latest to jump on that sweet piece of independence. I’ve dealt with this painful inconvenience and embarrassing ordeal since sophomore year when all the cool rich kids were getting their licences and getting nice cars, all the way to now when I embarrassingly tell friends in college that I don’t have my license. It’s so annoying, especially because when I try to bring it up my parents don’t really talk about it with me so I’m left in this pit of mystery and crushed hopes. It may sound so silly, but getting your license and a car is just………….so freeing. Especially for me. Especially. I HATE, HATE being so dependent on someone to drive me somewhere, like work or whatever. Not only do I have to wait for them to get ready and leave (+ my 3 little monster sisters), but I have to show up everywhere where everyone can see, as I walk out of our raper-white-van (big fam=ugly ass van that people refer to as a “raper” van), that I don’t drive. It’s just extremely annoying and frustrating. Ugh, I could go on forever….

no mom. :( When mom was here at least I could go out with her to the grocery store, or target, or go to lunch, or the movies….but she’s not here so that never happens. We go nowhere. Dad and I can’t go anywhere, because the girls can’t stay home alone. Also, it’s far too inconvenient for everyone to go out to run errands together. So basically, all I do is stay at home…and leave when I go to work. That’s about it. :(

no money. NO FUCKING MONEY. well, not like I can do anything with it anyway, yet the comfort of knowing that my bank account isn’t complete dust and cobwebs would be nice….

the combination of all this is a great recipe for one pathetic, lonely, sad, depressing, sucky, and self pitying summer….

IT GETS WORSE…in a week, dad and the girls are leaving to go to Arizona to see mom for possibly 2-3 weeks. 2-3 FUCKING WEEKS. that means 2-3 week I will be at home, by myself with no car, no friends, no money, no way to go anywhere…..I may lose my mind….

maybe ill venture on the public transportation…but i really have to be motivated. it’s a possibility. hmmm

yet still, holy shit. Plus my birthday is in that time…Im going to be all alone… :(
alright this whole post makes me want to cry.

however, some light in this pathetic-ness: I may go to arizona later this summer for a little bit. Crossing my fingers. I just need to get out of this town…SO BAD.

I feel so stupid for ranting like this, but I need to get it out somehow…

Im done.

~Taylor <3

6/22/12

my-visual-enticement — Tue, 26 Jun 2012 21:16:00 -0400

You know what’s annoying? My inability to get a fucking job. Sure, I’m working at the baseball stadium again this summer, but god knows that’s not nearly enough hours. Like, what the fuck ‘am I doing wrong? For months now, I have been applying and applying to places on campus, at the mall and elsewhere, yet nothing. Nada. What ‘am I doing wrong?! I need and want one so desperately, especially because I NEED TO work during the next school year. You know what’s more annoying? My mother riding on my ass about it every time I call her. Every. Time. It makes me not want to call her just so I can avoid the ranting. Which sucks because otherwise, I like calling my mom to just talk. Ugh…the whole thing is so frustrating. I just want to be able to score a job and prove to my mom I’m not completely worthless.

Need a job, want a job. Still searching, still working hard,

~Taylor <3

That one guy that decides to text you

my-visual-enticement — Tue, 12 Jun 2012 17:39:40 -0400

…out of fucking nowhere. Just when I was completely done with him, he decides to out of nowhere shoot me a text. Of course. It sucks because I want to be done with him…no I WAS done with him, he’s so last summer and nothing exists between us and never will so why talk to me? Even if it is an innocent “hey how are you?,” still, my little brain and stupid heart are automatically set into a whirl of thoughts and anxieties that I just don’t want to deal with.

Just stop it.

~Taylor <3

Procrastination tools I love

my-visual-enticement — Mon, 11 Jun 2012 23:40:04 -0400

Facebook

Tumblr <3 <3 <3

8Tracks

Instagram

Twitter

Procrastination once again

~Taylor <3

STORY. Saturday night, one of the last nights to rage as a...

my-visual-enticement — Mon, 11 Jun 2012 05:50:00 -0400

STORY. Saturday night, one of the last nights to rage as a freshman. Four lokos ready to be downed, and new tanks ready to be worn. All we needed was to find a party.

So yesterday night I went to Carson to get ready with Laura and the girls. We downed our four lokos and damn, that shit gets you fucked up :) As you can see, we went a little crazy on the mac photo booth while basting music (screw the 24hour quiet hours during finals week lol)…good times. Texting our “sources” for any good parties and, thank the lord, we hear Phi Si is having a party. Frat party??? Hell yes, we shall go!!!

And off we goooo, drunkenly walking the streets to wherever the hell the frat is at. But wait, random pit stop at an outdoor party to chug out of their keg….of course. Another pit stop behind some bushes so Hayley and Laura can pee….classy. Finally, the frat! Walk right in ladies, they say. Female perks ;) Run into Jackson, cute boy on my floor! Chat a little, snap a few pictures. He’s so precious. Go down to the basement where there’s music, dancing, lovely keystone beers EVERYWHERE, wine bags hanging from the ceiling. Frats. We grab a beer and chug! Classy-ass photos taken on the iphone…how embarassing. Whatevs!!! Dance time!

Within seconds my druken-slutty self is dancing with a guy, but only for a little bit because next thing I know, Im just going to town on his face. Hardcore making out. Why the fuck do I always do this when Im drunk?? -_-

Anyway, we eventually leave, and I stumble my drunk-ass back to my dorm, hicupping like an idiot. Awesome hangover headache the next day. But not nearly as bad as little Laura who puked all morning. Poor little bean. Welp, fun times with the friends, that’s what it’s all about :)

However, this whole getting drunk and making out with guys is a serious issue I have…………ever since winter term I would get really drunk and wanna just make out (not have sex with them though). A lot (rare exception, last Friday with that dude….guess I wasn’t that drunk though). I don’t know why I do this so much. Perhaps because I crave it so much. I like it. Well, who doesn’t??? haha kissing is fun. Making out is more fun. Making out on the dance floor in a frat…epic fun. hahaha But damn, I feel like such a skank when I do…. :/ Man, this just brings me all back to wanting a boyfriend :( Never having one makes me want one that much more. I’ve been reblogging a lot of cute pictures of couples and quote stuff related to relationships. I want it so bad. I just want a boy who wants me, and will do all the cutesey things that couples do….

some day.

~Taylor <3

Oregon weather

my-visual-enticement — Sun, 10 Jun 2012 16:56:43 -0400

It was so shitty allll week and now, its a beautiful day out. suns out and it’s warm. Too bad Im a bit hungover to enjoy it. Raged last night, btw. ;)

Pictures and story to come!

~Taylor <3

Friday...

my-visual-enticement — Sat, 09 Jun 2012 04:46:55 -0400

Had my Spanish oral exam and totally rocked it!! Was so stoked for tonight, but lovely Oregon is rainy and shit :( I just wanted to drink and go out…but no. too rainy, nobody to get us alcohol, no party to go to. Ah well, catching up on teen wolf while chilling in 310B with my girls; so not a horrible night. :D

By the way, Im pretty much done with freshman year!! Just gotta revise an essay and turn it in!! SO stoked for next year!

Almost Saturday

~Taylor <3

Loving my Oregon crew neck right now. Comfy; just what I need...

my-visual-enticement — Wed, 06 Jun 2012 17:47:35 -0400

Loving my Oregon crew neck right now. Comfy; just what I need during dead week.

Gotta go study for astronomy now :/

~Taylor <3

Dead Week

my-visual-enticement — Wed, 06 Jun 2012 00:54:23 -0400

ahhhhhhhhhh kill me now. Honestly, I don’t have as much work to do as other people I know, but seriously I’ve lost all motivation to study and work so it’s almost the same. Well, just sitting here eating awesome dead-week-food: chocolate on chocolate :] that’s probably a bad decision, but I don’t care.

Can’t find the motivation

~Taylor <3